Downloads From God: Conviction

There have been so many instances in my life when my heart has been bereft and empty, and all that would enter would be the ugly, hurtful and destructive lies that were on repeat in my head.  They'd circle around and around my head and infect my heart with doubt, fear and unbelief.

First I'd doubt I was hearing from God and even if I was, how could I tell if it was of any value?  Fear kept me in a constant paralysis.  Should I step even one foot in the direction that God is pointing me towards?  "What makes you think you are good enough?  You are no *name-any-inspirational-Godly-woman-here*.  Besides, they are already doing it.  You do not need to as well."

Unbelief feels like this constant companion asking, "Are you really called Bianca?  Why would He even have any use for you? Don't you know that you are not good enough?  You have so much history, so many nasty and ugly things in you.  Obviously, nothing holy, good, or Godly can come out of you.  Do not even fool yourself into thinking that He can use you."

If there is a lie or negative thought out there, I have told it to myself.  I have not allowed the truth of who God says I am to cover me and to be what it truly is, a protective blanket of love, even though He constantly tries to reassure me of who I am.

God is always talking and there are times when I have heard Him so loudly that I have nothing else to compare it to.  One instance of this and the most poignant and urgent, or at least that is what it felt like to me, was a couple of years ago.  I was attending a lady's retreat and I did not want to be there at all.  I was feeling so disconnected from God, deep in my nicotine addiction and had all my walls up.  In fact, if I had driven myself there, I would have left as soon as I got there.

Despite the natural beauty of the place or even the “friends” there, nothing was making me want to stay.  During the entire event all I could do was seek out places to hide and smoke or to not take part in anything heavy or demanding.  By the time Sunday morning rolled around, I was ready to run out of my skin.

That morning, in that moment, there was nothing to do but weep.  He was right.  I had selfishly kept the words He had been speaking to me for years because I did not have the confidence that He would use me, speak to me about such important things, as important to my soul's peace and salvation, as the others He wants me to share it with.  In this moment I am being reminded of the prophet Ezekiel.  In chapter 3:1-3, God gave him a scroll with His words to eat, to fill his stomach with and Ezekiel did.  As you continue reading God tells him what to do with the scroll.  Verses 16-19 are very clear:  Give them my messages.  At this time because of Israel’s sinful behavior and utter disobedience to God, she is being given a chance to change, to turn back to God.

Here's where I see myself.  The words God always gives me is about me first.  To bring about change in me first.  Even when I am disobedient to Him, He continues to fill me with the strength, courage and boldness I need to live my life.  I do have to share my words, or rather, the words God gave me with others.  If I do not, the responsibility will be laid at my feet for my disobedience.  I know that no matter what folks choose to do after they hear or read the word is not my portion.  Mine is just being obedient.  Like Ezekiel if I do nothing with the words God gives me, people will not have the opportunity to change their lives.

God told Ezekiel if you speak and they are not obedient, you are not going to be held responsible for the outcome.  But, if you do not speak the words I have given to them that are destined for death, you will be responsible for that outcome, verse 20-21.  That is Ezekiel’s role, and his salvation is dependent on his obedience. Am I going to be held to that standard?  I do not know.  Am I willing to find out?  No, not really, especially if it is the disobedient part of that word.  So, then, what do I do with all these words?  How do I get them out?